Days of Beauty and Sorrow and Beaded Prayers

We walk in beauty, the Navajo say. Sunset pinks up the evening sky. A waning moon mottles the night clouds. On Facebook, a woman I've known since we were kids in grade school posts her most extraordinary photos of wild birds and fabulous sunrises on the river. I look out my window and see the rain has made confetti of our azaleas, knocking at least half the blooms down into bright, frilly piles on the grass. I'm waiting (once again! miraculously!) for my peonies to bloom. My neighbors—young couples, their helmeted kids on bikes, and dogs in all sizes—parade up and down the street on a fine day, wrapped in something that looks like joy. We walk in beauty.

A friend's brother has been hospitalized for weeks, having barely survived a house fire. He's doing better each day. The same friend took a spill at my house and badly hurt her foot on the same night another friend took a terrible spill in her kitchen as she was serving up a beautiful dinner. She bled rivers from her smashed nose and mouth. Another friend's spouse has cancer; another friend's husband just died, another has lost her father. In fact, I think, every time I look at social media, I feel like an elderly woman reading obituaries. Ha! I AM an old woman reading obituaries. We walk in beauty.

There are moments in my day when I forget I am a person with lung cancer. There are days when all I think about is lung cancer. And despite my dedication to brushing and flossing, my dentist says I have irreversible bone loss and will lose my teeth if I don't let the oral surgeon put some pig bone in my jaw. I tell her I have metastatic cancer and would rather use the surgery money to take a nice trip. She understands my choice. Europe will open back up eventually, and I'll go traipsing through the Pyrenees, dropping my teeth one by one along the camino as I go, like grotesque breadcrumbs. We walk in beauty.

At Crystal Bridges Museum of American Art in Bentonville (headquarters of Wal-Mart), Arkansas, they currently have a special exhibit of American crafts. In that special exhibit is a work by Sonya Clark called Beaded Prayers. It is made up of over five thousand small works of art collected over twenty years from people in thirty-five countries. Each participant writes a prayer on a small sheet of paper (two copies, actually) and makes two cloth packets to hold each copy of the prayer. The prayer is inserted into the packets, which are either beaded or tied closed. One packet travels with the exhibition; the twin goes home with the participant. I sat in that gallery surrounded by all the little prayers. It was like sitting in a chapel or a reliquary. I could feel the holiness around me, the beseeching and the gratitude, and I wept. 

We walk in beauty.

The Condolences

I have typed the phrases "My condolences" and "I'm so sorry for your loss" into my various social media posts way too often—almost daily, sometimes several times a day—for the past few months. In part I blame my demographic. I'm a late-middle-aged woman with metastatic cancer trying her best to stay alive in the midst of a serious pandemic, a pandemic which also has exacerbated the opioid epidemic and prompted a rise in suicides. So many of my friends have lost not just one family member to COVID, but multiple—both parents, sets of grandparents, all four grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunts, siblings, children. The catastrophic loss of elder wisdom in our culture will leave us bereft for generations. Others have been so sickened that their quality of life for their remaining days is profoundly altered by permanent disability. I've expressed my condolences to so many friends and family members of people killed by COVID, and because I am connected to folks in the cancer community, we've had many final farewells there too. In some cases of people I know with cancer, COVID was the reason for their passing, and cancer was cited as a "co-morbidity." I'm not a physician listing cause of death, but it seems to me that if a person with cancer contracts COVID and dies of respiratory failure, the cause is COVID, not some co-morbidity.

What an awful thing to ponder, your co-morbidity. Ugh. And to have arrogant, healthy politicians arguing about which caused a victim's death, the COVID or the "co-morbidity," is insulting. It reveals their ignorance about the risks we all face from pernicious respiratory illness, as well as their disregard for those of us who are at greater risk through no fault of our own, including the elderly. (The politicians on the right especially talk of how it's mostly the elderly being at risk, as if our elders are just expendable, so long as everyone else keeps well, which isn't happening, by the way.) Am I more likely to die if I get COVID than someone else without cancer would be? Probably. But will the cancer have caused my death? The combination of COVID and cancer? Or just the COVID, since my immune system has been busy keeping my cancer in check? It wouldn't matter to me. I'd be dead. 

And yet, currently, people with cancer under the age of 75 don't necessarily yet qualify for priority vaccinations where I live. So, that's not awesome news.

My socials have carried the sad news of many deaths from other causes too. The suicides. The car and motorcycle wrecks. The overdoses. The celebrity deaths (from COVID, cancer, overdose, suicide, old age). The beloved, aged relatives whose time had simply come. The beloved pets who crossed the rainbow bridge to pet heaven. My Facebook feed is o'er full of obits. I type, over and over and over: My condolences. I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your family. Lifting you to the light. Etc. Etc. And I mean every word of it, and even more than those formal words say. What I mean is this: if I can hold even one tiny particle of your grief for you, help you carry it in any way, I want to do that. Because you've helped to carry mine. It's what friends and family do, and even the most superficial of "friends" on social media do, because right now, there is just...so...much collective grief. We could all use a little help.

And of course let's not forget deaths in Washington, D.C. caused by the actions of thugs and traitors and a traitor-President who needed to be removed from power as soon as he started spewing lies about the election results. Don't get me started on that heavy shit too. Peace, peace, peace, y'all.

The bleak January skies are making me both rage-ful and ponderous. Thank goodness my Christmas amaryllis has decided to bloom. Also, there are buds on last year's orchid, and store-bought flowers to ogle as well. In a few weeks we'll see forsythia and daffodils gilding the lawns of Nashville. Beauty and hope of more. And gratitude for this life, even stained and torn as it is by grief. We're living it, even when it's hard. That's the balm, today, along with the hope for fewer condolences as vaccinations proceed.

Beauty Anyway

It poured rain today, Easter Sunday, drenching everything here in Nashville into a soggy mess. In some places there were severe weather watches. Some of my friends up north still have snow. As far as I know, the Easter Sunday churches weren’t packed, because they weren’t supposed

to be open. Christians who celebrate Easter today and those who will be celebrating Orthodox Easter next week, like Jews recently celebrating Passover, are compelled to keep their observances at home.

And whether or not we individually subscribe to a religious observance right now, this time of year feels like a pivot point for lots of us, as we step for real into spring, new beginnings, stirred by pretty days. Still, right now especially, we’re all terribly...uncertain about what comes next.

Because it’s Easter, I can’t help but think about what historians believe life was like for the folks who eventually became Christians in the earliest times, in the last millenium’s first decades and centuries. For the most part, those folks were Jews (and some Gentiles and others) who had, according to the various stories circulating around the Mediterranean in those days, experienced and witnessed some remarkable things while hanging out with this weird carpenter turned radical rabbi/street preacher. Or if they hadn’t seen it with their own eyes, they’d heard the tales. Their own customs and religious practices as Jews had been suppressed and surveilled by the Romans. Their holiest temple had been destroyed, rebuilt, and then destroyed again. Many of their families had lived centuries as refugees far from their ancestral homelands, and some of them living in and around Jerusalem were themselves refugees from other territories. The local and imperial governments couldn’t agree on laws; currency markets were shaky, income inequality crushed the working people, xenophobia thrived, little wars were breaking out all over, and health care sucked. You can see why a street preacher, or even a story about a street preacher with an optimistic message might have gained some traction with that crowd.

That story isn’t one to which most Americans today subscribe, though. It doesn’t bring people comfort in the way it might have even just a few generations ago, and there are lots of good reasons for that, which I won’t get into here. Let’s just say the cruelties inflicted on others in the name of that radical rabbi/street preacher have pretty much discredited most institutions trying to stake a claim on his story.

And yet some people have faith. It might not be a religious faith, but they believe in goodness.

They believe in beauty. They believe in the power of a seed to germinate into something beautiful, something edible, something tall and shady, something wild. And now, now is the time for sowing, friends. Get your beauty planted, people; we’re going to need it in the coming days.

Humans crave beauty. It’s one of the reasons I take so many pictures of flowers. It’s why we paint, or sing, or write poems, or dance. Beauty is its own life force. I think that’s one reason so many cancer patients turn to art when they fall ill, when they are dying. In the ugliness of illness, in the destruction of our bodily temples, we reach for good, and we long for beauty.

It’s my third Easter since diagnosis; my third year of snapping pictures of blooms, of dealing with pollen allergies. It’s my first living with threat of coronavirus. I can’t see far enough into the future to know how that one is going to end, so I’m going to try doing what has worked for me in dealing with cancer. Train my eye on the beautiful and pull it in. That doesn’t mean I’m not acknowledging or caring for the things that are not beautiful; I live with a hideous disease deep inside my body and see awfulness in my community every day. It’s grim stuff and it needs fixing. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t have beauty anyway.